Emotions

My grandfather died on Sunday. People ask if it was on my father’s side or my mother’s, which seems weird, though I know it shouldn’t. My father’s father died when he was about 35, and my mother didn’t even know him, so my mother’s father has always been my only grandfather. He was very much the standard baby boomer parent in that he was so very industrious; he could probably build an oven or a washing machine, but he couldn’t operate one to save his life – that’s what his wife was for. He worked for AT&T for many, many years. A good portion of his basement was filled to the ceiling with electrical parts, old and new – transistors, wire, and the like – even telegraph machines. The last time I saw him he was showing me how the frequency on his cordless phone had shifted over time so that it was no longer at a good enough signal for the base to receive it, and then he went ahead and fixed it.

My wife said something to me that reminded me of a quote from Princess Bride: Prince Humperdinck converses with Princess Buttercup, “You don’t seem excited.” “Should I be?” “Brides often are, I’m told.” Melody said, “Are you sad?” to which I responded “Should I be?” and she said something like “People often are when family members die.” But I’m not, and I don’t really know if that’s a bad thing or not. Should I be mourning? That is the general practice, but I don’t feel it. I think to myself, he lived a long and full life; he was a productive member of society and of the Church; and he enjoyed his retirement. Then he had a fight with prostate cancer and side effects from that, and after some successful and some not so successful chemotherapy he decided enough was enough. He stopped the treatment, went home, and God decided it was time to call him a little earlier than was expected. I don’t know what portion of that is sad? I think he was ready to go – he could no longer do the things he loved to do, he and my grandmother couldn’t even sleep in the same room anymore because he had to get up so often at night. I think he was blessed with not having to struggle through his last few years thinking he was simply a burden on the people he loved.

We will be traveling tomorrow for the funeral. I suppose we will see if the prospect of all the family and attending the ceremonies and whatnot sheds any new light.